Self Doubt

I’m helping a friend with a project and we just finished a session on the phone. After hanging up I noticed a little thread of worry creep through my thoughts.  Was I helpful?  Were my ideas useful?  Normally I don’t pay much attention to those nasty little whispers in my head – they just do their damage, take a nibble out of my self-esteem, and eventually fade.  This time I stopped and turned my attention to that little voice. 

As I thought about it I realized that the bottom line was I’d done my best and could do no more.  Sure it was important to me to help my friend, but that niggle of self-doubt served no purpose, it only depleted my confidence.

It reminds me of when I used to go Christmas shopping with my brother.  He would put a lot of energy into picking the “right” gifts, making sure the dollar amount was equal for everyone, agonizing over his choices.  My advice was simple – get something you can afford that you think the recipient will like, and move on.  Doing his best was all that was necessary – whether or not people valued his effort was ultimately up to them.

That nasty little residue of self-doubt that follows many of us around is more destructive than it seems.  The desire to provide my friend with brilliant insights or my brother’s wish to give the perfect gift are thinly disguised manifestations of our desire for the approval of others.  It contains a built-in assumption that we’re somehow inferior, that our best won’t be good enough. 

Eventually my brother became comfortable with Christmas shopping and what had been several hours of angst became a simple shopping trip.  And I’ve been able to stay connected to the fact that my friend is merely looking for my ideas and input, and no more, when he asks for my help.

In The Illusion of Control I write about trust, trusting others and ourselves.  I think that’s what’s needed here, too.   We need to trust that our input, gifts, ideas, are good enough.  We need to trust that others will value what we’re able to give.

And if they don’t, if our best isn’t good enough, well, that really isn’t our problem, is it?

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If you enjoyed this post you might also like:

• I Hate Myself
• The Approval of Others
• What We Make Up
• Certainty
• It’s True – They Might Not Like You
• Looking Good
• The Freedom of Self Awareness
• The Junk of Life
• The Illusion of Control
• The Perfection of Imperfection
• Whoops!
• Confidence
• Getting to Know “Me”